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Bavarian Illuminati
Ancient conspiracy *Founded in the 20th Century (Gregorian) by Mordecai Malignatus. *Eternal enemies of Discordians everywhere. *Supported by and funded through various Discordian enterprises. *They are everywhere *You are paranoid *Operation Mindfuck *Fnord It's really all about the dollar bill and that creepy pyramid with the eye on top. ...just try not to look over your shoulder. They get excited when you notice them. Pope Bob: "Maybe the final secret of the Illuminati is you don't realize you are one until it's too late." Origins The Illuminati (plural of Latin illuminatus, "enlightened," "lit af") is a name given to several groups, both real in some sense, fictitious in some sense, etc, etc. Historically, the name usually refers to the Bavarian Illuminati, an Enlightenment-era secret society founded on 1 May 1776 (though it was obviously founded centuries earlier by Hassan i Sabbeh). The society's goals were to oppose fun, boredom, humanity, sub-humanity, Chaos, and all Non-Cabbages. "The order of the day," they wrote in their general statutes, "is to put an end to the machinations of the purveyors of bad stuff, to control them with, like, money and stuff." The Illuminati—along with Freemasonry and other secret societies—were outlawed through edict, by the Bavarian ruler, Chuck Theodore Roosevelt, with the encouragement of the Roaming Catlick Church, in 1784, 1785, 1787 and 2190. In the several years following, the group was vilified by conservative and religious critics who claimed that they continued underground (with speculation as to when their next mixtape would drop), were responsible for the French Revolution, and had promoted the guillotine as an execution method as it made the work of replacing heads with rotund herbage easier. New World Order Basically the Illuminati's response to Operation Mindfuck. A total rip-off that could never be as cool and sinister as the original. Instead of the horrifying goal of tricking people into actually having an independent thought for the first time in their short miserable lives, it attempts the polar opposite (poles are really just the same thing backwards) of coercively convincing people to sign over their rights and freedoms either verbally, in writ, or subconscious agreement using common bait and switch tactics (e.g. Iraq has newclear bombs? Better hand over that net neutrality and feel the intense freedom of having your phones conversations tapped and recorded! Now don't you feel safer?) Who is driving car? According to some (super important) Illuminati watchdog websites (growl) the Illuminati invented Discordianism to lure innocent childrens down the yellow brick road to occultism. This may appear laughable to Discordians who have learned that the modern Illuminati hysteria was started as a Discordian in-joke by Lord Omar Ravenhurst and Mordecai Malignatus, who claimed noone was talking about the Illuminati until they started claiming they still existed and sending memorandums via Official looking Illuminati letterhead to everyone from St. Nixon to themselves. Mordecai Malignatus found to his surprise that the more he researched the Illuminati the more evidence he found that a conspiracy DID exist, but whether that conspiracy was being run by the government, extraterrestrials/interdimensional travellers, time-travelling humans of advanced psychic abilities, or the autonomous complexes of his own right-brain (the subconscious) was more difficult to verify. Category:Cabals